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Adapting to new life Tuesday, August 2 Have not been updating my blog for quite sometime... Think it's time for me to write something as I've been keeping everything to myself ever since they move out on 29th of jul... Have been slacking in my work for quite sometime.. Dunno how should I put it.. I've been asking myself this question. Am I happier now? Ever since they moved out, I felt that I've lost something.. Maybe I'm still trying to get used to not seeing my princess when I'm home.. I know that I need some time to over come this stage but I dun know how long will it take. I just hope that I could soon overcome it. I only can say that I really feel more lonely whenever I'm home. I dun have the urge to come home after work coz I know that I will be alone whenever I'm home.. I will start missing my princess n wonder what is she doing now.. The feeling is sucks.. But that's my life n path I choose.. I just have to accept n adapt to it.. Sometimes I just wonder what I'm looking forward to? Everyday is work , eat n sleep... Is that the life I want? Where is my motivation ?? What should I do in my near future? Anyway, do I have a future? I really dun know ... Well,maybe when my mum moves back, everything will be better I guess.. Drinking bacardi breeze alone at home.. I also dun know why out of the sudden I just feel like drinking. But 1 thing for sure is, whenever I feel lonely or down, I shouldn't listen to sad songs coz it will only make me feel worst... Everyday I'm telling myself this "tomorrow will be a better day.dun think too much" But can I really do it? I really dun know..  Written @ Tuesday, August 02, 2011 1st Day Of My Class Monday, April 25 Should I say that from today onwards my life will be different? My class will starts from today 7-10pm for 1 mopnth....@_@ Dunno whether i can tahan for anot lol.. No matter how hard ,boring & tire, i will sure finished the course & get my license!! I make sure I will do that!!! Busy will be better for me. The sad thing is i will have lesser time for my little princess.. Well, we cun have everything what we want.. We want to succed, we need to sacrify.. Hope that I will have a fun & not boring study class today :) Written @ Monday, April 25, 2011 TIRED Tuesday, March 8 Last night, didn't get to sleep well. He was back around 4.45am & was totally wet & drunk as it was raining heavily. Why am I still caring about him?? Well,that's human nature. No matter what,we've together for 11years.. I'm always thinking & wondering what is the best way in order to end our msierable. Why am I so weak?Why can't I just move on? In fact I myself know the answer... I just don't wanna face the reality.. Life is just fooling me.. I believe both of us are in pain,agony & miserable. Everyday seeing his dad worry about me makes me feel bad.. He always check on me & worry i might do foolish thing.. Move on!Move on!Move on! I'm a sick & useless bum!!! I believe things will get better as time goes by.. But 1 thing for sure is that.... Stilll be friends??Can we?? I don't think I can... Written @ Tuesday, March 08, 2011 Have to Try & i Will... Thursday, March 3 Don't fear any changes that lie ahead, Libra. Even if you think you don't adjust well, you have more adaptability than you realize. Without change, life would become stagnant. It wouldn't be long before you became dissatisfied and bored with the same old thing. Try to see change as an adventure and a gateway to greater happiness and fulfillment. Trust your versatility. Written @ Thursday, March 03, 2011 "Love is blind. Marriage restores the sight" Tuesday, March 1 "Love is blind. Marriage restores the sight" I totallt agreed with this phrase. When you are deeply in love, everything is ok. Once get married,everything will be different.. Written @ Tuesday, March 01, 2011 Depression? Sunday, February 27 Why am I up so early? It's Sunday. Everyday I'm telling myself not to see but I just cun.. Is it so fun paying mOney to ask for a miteclub gal to chu Jie? What is chu Jie? Mean? Pay money to do that kind of thing? I'm tired..life is just so tiring.. Everytime after talking to my cousin, I always feel better. But whenever the next moment I wake up, I feel sucks.. I'm thinking what is life to me? What is the best way in order to feel better. I just wish god can take me away. Away from all these agony n misery n pain. But not now.. But I believe the day will come.. Written @ Sunday, February 27, 2011 Why am I so selfish Saturday, February 26 Ever since that incident,they r all worried for me. Is this what I want? Everyday I'm trying to put on a smile but deep inside,I'm miserable. Why am I so selfish? What's the point of holding on when there r no future? Wake up!! Let go!! Move on!! This is what I'm telling myself but can I do it? Marriage is a gamble n I only can say that I'm a total loser.. I lost to fated... It's sat but yet I woke up so early .. I also dunno y.. I always tell myself,it's time to end this misery.. How can I end it? Everyday I'm thinking n thinking.. I can't always rely on my cousin to accompany n console me. They r all worried for me. It's time to end it Coz things will never be the same. I can't take a 2nd failure of marriage.. Written @ Saturday, February 26, 2011 Depression Friday, February 25 Something really bad happened on Wednesday nite. I can only say that god save me if not I won't be here written blog anymore. Sometimes I just wondering what I want from life? If life is so miserable why must we carry on to suffer from these misery? Now is the worst moment in my life. To pull through this stage,I need support. I'm glad n thank that my cousin was accompanying me the whole day. I wish that I could turn back the clock but too bad it could never happened. Clock can only move forward n not backward.. I'm already mentally n physically break down. It's time to settle everything. He had already told his dad n sister abt it. Now the next step is move out of my house coz I can't carry on seeing him everyday. I'm just a human.. The best choice is they move out n me carry on with my life n stop thinking of doing all those stupid thing since I fail once.. Written @ Friday, February 25, 2011 Another 3 more days.. Tuesday, February 22 At last,my lawyer have finish 'MY WILl' draft. I will be going to the lawyer firm today. The feeling is good Coz at last I did what I wanna do. I've been waiting for this day for so long. I woke up at 4+ but this is the 1st time I had a good sleep Coz I wasn't woke up by him when he's back.maybe is the power of the wine lol. Another 26days will be my princess b'day. I hope I can hang on till that day as I can feel that I can't tolerate anymore. Everyday I'm telling myself no point crying over the spill milk but say is easier than done. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! I'm telling myself to keep myself busy with work but... I just can't concentrate WTF!! I'm a lousy and useless person!! Please be strong!!That's what I'm telling myself everyday.. That's life!We are born to suffer but can I ?? Can I be strong and hang on when everyday seeing my family and him? I don't wanna think and I don't wanna know.. Just let god decide.. Written @ Tuesday, February 22, 2011 It's time to end it.. Monday, February 21 As usual, I'm been woke up by him when he come into our room. Trying to make myself sleep but I just can't. Sitting in the living room alone and drinking again. Hope that after drinking, I can sleep. He suppose to tell his dad tonite regarding about our issue but I'm not sure did he do it Coz I was in the bed room. I feel so bad that Coz I saw his dad so sad and stress about our us. Everything will be end soon.. At least his frequent of going to niteclub makes me feel that no point having anymore feeling towards him. He's just back to the life before we get married. Going niteclub hugging gals and this makes me feel better Coz this will make my feeling towards him die.. I keep telling myself, that's life. He say dun mention to any1 in the separation but he had already told few of his friends regarding about our separation. What he say is true, we just can't forgive n forget. Everytime when we have problems, we will bring up what we did in the past. Why am I still dwelling and feeling sad? Let's end it. I just pity my little princess .. She's most innocent. I felt sorry for her Coz I can't give her a healthy grown up Family.... Written @ Monday, February 21, 2011 Life Saturday, February 19 Life is just a Game to me. Sometimes you win and sometime you lose. I admit I'm a total loser in life. I'm tired and I dun wanna drag anymore. Putting on a mask is very miserable. Devil may cry and devil may die.. I'm just like a devil now.. Waiting for my days to come.. Written @ Saturday, February 19, 2011 Living In Hell Friday, February 18 I'm feeling so sick and tired.. Everynite when he's back, I will be waken up by him. Whenever he opens the door and go to bed, I can't sleep anymore. Everyday I sleep less than 3-4 hrs as he usually come back 3-4am. I dunno how long can I tolerate as I really felt mentally torture.. Have to act as if nothing happens infront of others but like stranger in our room. I've shut myself out of my world. Wanna be alone and just wait for the time to come.. Everyday felt so restless n tired and it really affect my work. I cun carry on like this!! I will ruin my life n job!! I still have another 30days to hang on. Coz he will announce it after my gal b'day. Can I hang on till that day? Everyday I'm asking myself this question. Why am I torturing myself? Since he can go out and enjoy and do what he wants. Why am I shutting myself in my own world. Why must I go hm everyday after work and face his dad alone? I'm getting sick and miserable day by day. I'll just give up acting and go back to my own self. As he's also enjoying going nightclubs hugging other gals. Why am I so stupid staying at home facing all these shit??? I will go mad and crazy if I carry on like this. Everynite I need to drink in order to sleep. It's time for me to look for my cousin n nephew.. I need their support Coz they always stand by my side. Written @ Friday, February 18, 2011 INNOCENT DEVIL.. Friday, February 11 Have been staying at home these few days.. I was wondering why am I doing this. Felt so bored but yet dun feel like going out.. Went to consult my friend today regarding about 'MY WILL' issue. At last i manage to get a clearer picture & will start to proceed. It will take at least 1 week before i could go to the lawyer firm to confirm everything as i need to sort out few issues.. At least, I've done 2 things which was bothering me. 1st was told his dad about our things & 2nd is MY WILL issue. Now my 3rd issue is to clear all my back log work asap.. I totally agreed that things will never be the same again. We seems to look like stranger when we see each other. Every nite, a stranger was sleeping next to me. The barrel will be forever there. I just hope to end this asap as this is really tiring & miserable. Just felt so guilty towards his dad as he has been worrying for us & didn't sleep well ever since he know this issue. I told myself life still have to move on. Just tolerate for another 2more months? Things will be better i guess as he will tell his dad his about our issues. He will carry on with his life & i will carry on with my life.. This will be another chapter of my life. The INNOCENT DEVIL will be reborn i guess.... Written @ Friday, February 11, 2011 What should I do.... Thursday, February 10 I felt so tired... Only sleep for few hours... Mayeb too many things in my mind & that's that reason why i can't sleep well.. His sister sms me.. Ask me what happens to me as she says i look restless & tired.. I dunno what i can say... I only can say nothing as I've promise, I will wait for him to announce. She can sense something wrong & keep insisting me to tell her.. I feel so miserable & struggling as I really can't say it to her.. She say since i can't tell her why not tell dad. Dad can try to talk to him if we have problems. I can't tell her that there is no turning back liao.. Paper already sign, what to talk? If he really treasure this family, he would not let this thing to happen in the 1st place.. He should have voice out to prevent things to happen but he didn't. This shows his determination & this is also good for me as at last i can fully let go.. I don't deny i still love him as no matter what, we are together for more than 10 years & he's my little princess daddy.. Since he already choose this path, i will respect his decision & just hope that things will get better.. Everyday , I need to remind & tell myself to stay positive. I'm so scare that 1 day if they really leave the house, i will feel the loneliness as i can't see my princess & her laughter daily... Written @ Thursday, February 10, 2011 Negative Thoughts Wednesday, February 9 Feeling is getting from bad to worst.. Everyday facing him & his dad make me feel worst.. The feeling is dam terrible.. I have to act & hide my feelings infront of his dad. This is the worst as his dad is really very good to me.. I can't find words to describle my feelings as nobody can understand how I feel. I really thought of ending my life but I have few things to do before I do that.. Everyday, I'm thinking which is the better & easiest ways to end my life to get away from these mental torture. I know i'm very irresponsible as my 2 gals are still young.. But , i really can't take it anymore.. If i could cry, that would be better i guess but no tears drop.. This is something which i feel weird.. Life is short, we should enjoy life but why must I go through all these torture? I know mostly is my fault but it takes 2 hands to clap. This is something which i think he also agreed. Maybe he think he's the best. Before married, promise everything. After married, throw you 1side & only treat you as a mother of his daughter. I'm also a human being. I also need my hubby to care, concern & love me. But did he do that?? Maybe he felt he did but i don't feel it.. Written @ Wednesday, February 09, 2011 A whole new year, a whole new me.. Saturday, February 5 What is most important in my life?? That was my 2 precious daughters.. I will no longer think of what to do to salvage but how to move on & get a better life... A whole new year, a whole new me!!!! Written @ Saturday, February 05, 2011 Any Receipe To Introduce? Friday, May 21  Oyster Sauce Vegetable  Curry Fish  Steam Chicken Have been cooking lunch & dinner for the past 1 month.. Above was a new menu I tried today.. Like the taste of the curry fish & steam chicken but hubby don't really like the taste :/ Always hard to please him coz he is very choosy in food. Have to check out more receipe from the web again.. Written @ Friday, May 21, 2010 Milk Flow Wednesday, May 19  Breast pump with my precious milk haha Milk flow has been decreasing & it really worries me. Have been searching & checking in the forum for ways to increase milk flow. Someone has introduce in the forum of ways to increase milk flow. 1) Drink more water 2) Have oats for breakfast 3) Pump every 3hours (including middle of the nite faint) 4) Sacred Tea to be consume There are so many ways & i choose the easiest & convenient way which was "DRINK MORE WATER" & "SACRED TEA" Have been monitor & reminding myself to drink at least 2litre of water per day. Also bought a packet of "SACRED TEA" which was highly recommended. Started to consume 2days ago. Hope it really works on me :) Good luck !! Written @ Wednesday, May 19, 2010 Dinner Tuesday, May 18  Sweet & Sour Pork  Mix Vegetable  Cereal Prawn Above was the dinner I prepare for them. Hope they did enjoy the dinner :) Dinner include of Tom Yam Soup but I forget to take a photo of it. Will take it next time. Thinking of what should I cook for them again heehee :p Written @ Tuesday, May 18, 2010 Princess 2 months Old Sunday, May 16                Time files...Kylie is already 2months old.. She has been growing very fast & drinking more milk now. My ebm is not enough for her :/ Have to think of way to increase my flow..... Will be going back to work in another 2months time. When the day are getting nearer, me getting more & more worried. Why am I worried? I'm worried coz I've not totally trust my maid. Ever since my maid is here, me has been trying my best to communciate with her. Try to let her feel comfortable & easy working for me. I don't scold & expect much from her. Hope that she will appreciate how I treat her than she will take good care of kylie. That's what I hope for. Written @ Sunday, May 16, 2010 What Goes Around, Comes Around... Saturday, May 15 Have not been feeling good ever since I knew it. Really feel sad & sorry for what she has gone through. I know that that kind of feeling is really dam hurting. Hope she could get over it soon. Remeber what I've told you, "BE STRONG & LIFE STILL HAVE TO GO ON..." Why I know it's really hurting coz I've gone through all these.. Only time can heal your wound.. As time goes by, you will slowly recover. You will sure find someone better than him.. Wish you all the best .... Maybe I've gone through lots of things & I really believed What goes around, comes around... Written @ Saturday, May 15, 2010 Princess 6 Weeks Old Sunday, May 9           Princess 6 weeks old. Written @ Sunday, May 09, 2010 Dinner Prepared By Me Saturday, May 8  Sweet & Sour Pork  Sweet & Spicy Tofu  Samba Kang Kong Ever since my confinement lady left, I've started to cook lunch & dinner for my family. I'm just a beginner in cooking & therefore I look up many receipe from the website. Above is some of the dishes which I cook according to the receipe. Franster had tried it & his comment was "not bad" haha :p Think there are still room to be improved. Still have 2 more months to go before I go back to work. That means, I still have 2 more months to pratice my cooking whahaha Written @ Saturday, May 08, 2010 Friday, May 7 Yesterday, me went for review. Everything was fine. Wound & Womb also recovered. So happy . Gynae say that after 3months we can try for another baby liao. Hahaha.That really scare me off. Try for another baby?? He thought having a baby is easy?? Everything also need money. Having a baby is not as easy as what you think. Need to have lots of commitment. Well to me ,most important you have to be financially stable. Secondly,you must be able to commit your time to your baby. Baby really needs lots of attention!! If not,forget about having a baby!! If you really have the intention of having a baby, my advise to you is start saving now. It will never be too late. Having a new born is another stage of your life. You will sure enjoy these moment. Trust me :) Written @ Friday, May 07, 2010 Princess 4 Weeks Old Thursday, May 6                        Princess 4 weeks old. Written @ Thursday, May 06, 2010 |
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