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DEPRESSION??
Saturday, October 3

I dun know how should I put it..
Everything seems SO BAD!!!
He came back 5am in the morning.
To be more precise it should be 4.55am..
As my hand phone msg show 4.55am he replied me..

I was so uneasy & upset when I woke up 3am & yet he was not back..
I was all alone in the room & was surrounded by LONELINESS.
I keep flipping left & right & hoping that he will be back soon
as I think the club close at 3am so he will be back at 3+...

I wait & wait & try to force myself to sleep but I just cun..
I hold back myself not to call or sms him.
Hope that he will be back any moment.
But after an hour,there were still no sign of him..
I began to cry & think why is he SO CRUEL to me!!!
Why he can leave me alone at home &
go out with his agent till early morning 5am?

Even he really needs to drink with his agent,
he still can come home early.
He can tell his agent that his wife is pregnant
& he needs to go home early.
I believe his agent will understand.
But he choose not to coz he wanna enjoy himself
coz in his heart,i'm no longer important..

I can't control myself & I start changing & pack my thing.
I wanna go back to 845..
I wanna leave this cold & lonely place..
I just can't control my emotion anymore.

I send him a sms while I was walking back to 845.
Half way through, I sort of wake up.
What the hell am I doing in the middle of the night 4.30am
carrying my things & walking back to 845??
Even if I leave now,does it help?
All the questions just flow through my mind..

Unless I really wanted to end this relationship,
I will leave his house.
1 day if I really leave his house,
that means I had made up my mind &
decide to give up this MARRIAGE..

All things flash through my mind again & again.
My tears keep rolling down my face..
All those BAD MEMORIES comes back again..

During this 1 year,
I had CRIED too many time because of him.
I really LOST COUNT of the SADNESS
he had brought to me..

HE had REALLY CHANGE.
What he has PROMISE ME before our wedding,
he broke all his PROMISES.

When I confront him,
he just mention becuase he wanted to save our marriage.
So what he PROMISE are all LIES!!!

Last time when we are together he will never leave me alone..
Now even I'm pregnant, he can go out till 5am..
TOTALLY LOST CONFIDENCE in this marriage.
TOATLLY LOST CONFIDENCE in HIM.
I doubt we could have a HAPPY FAMILY which I was hoping.

MONEY & BROTHERS to him is EVERYTHING
but not ME & OUR BABY..

At the end of the day,
he still don't understand what I really want..

I guess if he had a choice,
he will choose not to get married & have baby..
That is my conclusion &
I strongly believe that is what he is thinking..

Maybe he might wanna get married someday
but the BRIDE shouldn't be me.
Coz I'm a FAILURE WIFE....

He need a wife who will listen to him,
Keep her mouth shut & will not complaint,
let him do what he wants,
go out & enjoy with his friends to nightclub & thai disco.
As long as at the end of the day he goes home.

I'm not a mistress,maid or puppet.
I cannot endure THIS KIND OF IRRESPONSIBLE MAN!!
This kind of MAN is not my HUSBAND!!!
I do not need such kind of SELFISH HUSBAND!!!

Written @ Saturday, October 03, 2009

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